Sunday Lights…

Today was another odd day in a string of weird/odd days, but I guess that’s the norm for the moment. Today was my last day at church with these friends. I pulled in and strangely enough parked in the same spot I parked in just over a year ago when I pulled in for the first time….different feelings this time, strange, out of body, like I already didn’t belong here over came me. I almost didn’t go in, not because I didn’t want to go to church, I enjoy going, but today I didn’t feel like this was my home anymore, like I was a guest and didn’t want to take up another’s space. But I went in and was able to say good-bye to some of my favorite people I have spent time with this past year. Even though I have not been in church for most of this year with being out with surgery and recovering, these favorite people have been in my life in other ways serving me during my recovery and I was overcome with gratitude as I was able to hug and thank those that were truly in my life for a reason and my season here, I could not have come through most of it without any one of them.

I did sit by myself, which I normally don’t do, but today it just felt right, but it was lonely being in a room full of people and yet feeling so alone at the same time, even surrounded by friends. The loneliness crowded in and made me miss CJ even more and I longed to have his hand in mine or his arm around me. To be able to share learning about God with him was overwhelming. And I pray that we will be able to figure out what works best for us to have a piece of that in our lives.

There was one moment where I was completely grateful that I went to church today. I have a guy friend, just a friend in every way, but we have connected almost like we’ve known each other our whole lives, we have a lot in common and have been able to have discussions on those connections that reach outside of church. He came up to me afterwards and took a moment to wish me well and tell me that he will miss having me in his Sunday school class as I have been a dazzling bright light in the class that will be greatly missed. I needed that today, to know that I have made a difference, that I have had an impact here in some small part. I don’t want glory or riches, but to be able to touch others with God’s light is truly a beautiful thing especially when you yourself are going through something difficult and hard and are still able to see the blessings and power of God in your life and can pass that on to others. I was grateful for his words to remind me that I have come along way since I first stepped into that building and that while yes many have touched my life, that maybe I touched and changed someone with my story.

So overall it was a good day, it went by quickly which I was grateful, weekends can be hard and long and difficult to keep satan off my back. But today was different, it was like today was an ending of sorts, everything from the last 7 months is coming to an end and tomorrow everything is new and different and changing and beginning. I go back to work, it’s the final days before moving and each day has preparation things to attend to, so the time will either fly because of being busy or will slow to a crawl because I want it go go by faster….so we will see how this plays out, but either way, soon, oh so soon, I will be on my way and then in my new space, our new space.

I was thankfully able to check in with CJ today several times via text, a voice memo and one phone call, and as always I cant help but smile when I see his name on my phone and I feel like a silly schoolgirl all excited that he is reaching out to me, he just makes me happy.

Today one of my favorite songs, hits a little closer to home as we try to remember that we are each going through something and we can each help another by being honest with ourselves and with others:

If we’re Honest:
Francesca Battistelli