On the horizon…Nakedness!!!

Post Surgery just over 24 hours, feels like a week. The surgery was ever-so nerve wracking, they were running late with the first surgery and sitting and waiting normally for me is easy, I can always find something to occupy myself, a book, talking to someone, napping whatever, patience is usually easy for me, but yesterday I was struggling with that. Knowing what was coming and yet not exactly knowing was difficult and panic set in. The doctors, nurses, anesthesiologists all traipsed in and did their spiel, and finally almost 2hours late we were headed back. The Doctor and the anesthesiologist both decided that it would be better to not go the fully awake route but to have me quite drowsy so that they could talk to me, but that I wouldn’t remember anything, so I was excited.

They wheel me into the operating room and get me onto the table and start strapping me in and down and covering me all up, I couldn’t move if I wanted to. I could twitch my feet and that was about it, so a bit panic inducing, but knowing i was going to be out, I decided to breathe and not stress. They get busy setting everything up and getting me all attached to monitors and the anesthesiologist starts giving me medicine and they clean the area and start putting in needles to do local anesthetic – – what an absolute joke…I was 100% wide awake, not even remotely sleepy and I remember everything, everything! I felt Iike I was in some horror show, they couldn’t get the local to work so kept having to inject more but kept on working on me instead of waiting until it took affect so I felt them cut me open, I felt them inside me, I felt everything and heard everything. Including the frustration of the doctor when it wasn’t going right and there were some minor complications and he had to keep fixing and making changes, and then, then I had a major panic attack and seriously if I could have gotten up and walked out, I think I just might have it was so bad and no one cared, no one attended to me or even checked on me, except Amber. Amber was this sweet surgery nurse who got it, moved in and realized immediately what was going on and pulled off blankets, brought ice to put behind my head and talked me through breathing and relaxing, all the while the doctor was just, ‘relax and breathe’ while he continued to work, not even giving me a moment to get it under control. I think Amber would have held my hand if she could have, but they were all tied down under the blankets and I couldn’t even move them or my arms.

So over 4 hours later, we are finally done and I am literally crying at this point. The Doctor doesn’t even say anything, just leaves, literally just leaves the OR. I was so frustrated that he didn’t care, I was truly just another person to cut open, absolutely no beside manner, which honestly surprised me, I had liked him at all of our visits, he was honest, truthful and didn’t hold back, so where was that person in the OR? I dont know.

My wonderful friends tag teamed the day one dropping me off and waiting until the other got there and then the other taking me home; the recovery room was quick and efficient and the nurses were wonderful, helpful, conscientious of my needs and what I had been through and over all excellent staff. We were only in the recovery for a short time, enough to change back into my street clothes, get settled, check vitals a few times, go over discharge paperwork and we were off… The ride home was long, its about 45 minutes and while thankfully almost all highway, lots of jerking around and that hurt, but nothing could be done, I just kept breathing and breathing and didn’t move, otherwise I would have been sick. Got to the house and had someone help me up the stairs, not sure if I could have gotten up them on my own at that point and immediately fell into bed, but sleep would not come, I could barely rest. The pain as intense, the nausea just as and the trauma from the surgery keeping me awake.

I reached out to CJ, sad to have missed almost an entire day chatting with him and he was supportive, wonderful and there for me in the only way he could be, wishing he was here, but we both understand that this is the way it is for the moment. But we did talk for a short time and then I tried to sleep, but it alluded me all night, small naps, low fever, lots of nausea and up and down all night.

This morning was also rough but as the day went on things started to turn around, I obviously have a ways to go, but the pain slowly decreased, was able to eat a few popsicles and could finally swallow a pain pill and that helped a little. But when drinking water, I feel like I am choking and coughing hurts, so one step at a time.

I talked to CJ almost non stop today, making up for yesterday I guess. It was nice, sent him horror pictures and he didn’t shy away was just concerned that I was doing ok and getting better. We again talked about a lot of things and nothing at the same time and it was nice, normal, well other than the fact that I literally have no voice at the moment, but we worked around it and it was a good day. Now I am praying to get some sleep tonight.

Also received some good news from work that I have been approved to go back to work since this surgery is over and there were no major complications keeping me in the hospital or otherwise detained and unable to work longer. So that I am excited about that.

So all in all, lots to look forward to on the horizon. Recovering, moving, going back to work, lots of beautiful things, lots of happiness, lots of healing and lots and lots and lots of hugs, kisses and nakedness!!