Nothing but Gratitude

Today was a rough day for me, it was a down day, but for medical reasons. I have been pushing myself since this last surgery and the move and settling in and today it took its toll as I am also in the grips of come off of some medicine that has required a slow tritraion off of and as my body is finally realizing that it will not longer receive the needed medicine, it decided today was a great day to revolt. So I only worked a few hours and then took the remainder of the day off to rest, drink a lot of water, rest some more and just do a whole lot of nothing and yet puttered around and did some small things to get me up and moving. I feel better, I feel more like me without the meds and I feel like I can now fully recover, but the next few days and weeks will tell the story and I still have quite a ways to go for a full recovery. But yesterday and today I came up with and finalized a ‘plan’. I’m good at those, but this plan was mainly about taking better care of myself, getting up and doing some exercise in the morning to get my blood flowing and my body working, but specific, targeted exercises as well as continuing to work my evening program as well. Just ensuring I am getting up and moving more and more each day and making it a habit to get up more during the day at work, to use my sit/stand desk more effectively and overall to take better care of my body to assist in a full recovery, to help my overall health and to finally get back into better shape. For me, all for me, I have not been happy with myself for awhile now and now that the surgery’s are over, now that I am in the space, there is no reason to not move forward in bettering me. So onward we go.

Was able to chat and video and text with CJ today and he’s had a rough day, still exhausted from his past few days and work and just the stress of things right now. But it’s always wonderful to see him, to hear his voice and to try to let him know how I feel and to try to uplift him.

I spent a lot of my down time today studying, praying, listening and just being still. Felt today was a good day for that in light of my not feeling well. Focusing on something other than my misery, but on praying for another, praying for a situation, giving so much gratitude for all the blessings and tender mercies in our lives. So many times when we are in the hard times, it’s truly hard to see the good things, to see God’s hand and his answers and his tender mercies through the lens of hardship. But that is when He is closest to us and yet when we seem to feel so alone.

In recent years, I personally went through a very hard thing, a hard thing that over time became even harder as things came to light, I have alluded to the situation in previous posts. For some reason tonight I pulled out an old journal, and was just browsing not for the memories of the hardship but to look for the good…as I read it, I cant feel the pain or the hurt or the loss or the hardship even though its written right there, I can see it happening as I am reading, and I know it happened, I walked it. But what I see now looking back is that the Lord has woven a pattern of miracles in my life, especially during that time. I can easily recall miracles and blessings that brought good and happiness to my life, but its so much harder in the dark times, but now as I read through this journal, that’s all I can see, the miracles. I see His hand, I see Him holding me up, I see Him walking with me through it. I didn’t see it back then, but looking back sometimes truly is 20/20 and He bore my burdens during that time. He allowed me the space to go through it and quietly held me through it. I am so grateful to be able to look back and see His hand in my life, that He was so present even in the tiny details. I am grateful to know that as we go through hard times, that He is there for us whether we ask or not. I am grateful that He loves me, and you and all so much that He is willing to bring us peace and comfort when we ask.

And I am grateful to be able to come before Him in prayer as I struggle with small things, bring gratitude for all the things I see from Him, for answers to prayers, to help in situations. I am grateful to Him for His hand in bringing CJ and I back together and allowing us the rare opportunity to move forward toward something better and more beautiful than we can possibly imagine, but He can, He knows what is around the corner, HE knows what our Love can bring us and around us in this next adventure.

So tonight at the end of a rough day, I have nothing but gratitude in my heart and soul for all that I have in my life, even the hard things because they have made me a better person, they have made me ready to step into this next season.

And I am ever so grateful for a man like CJ who is such a good man, an honorable man who desires to do what is right.