Miles to go and Agency

To clarify a few things, we live in different states and our goal is it be in the same state and the same space; and we have a plan in place; but one of us due to a current health issue has a surgery that needs to come first and cannot move until after that date; and one of us is finding it difficult to extricate themselves from their current physical location. This causes stress, confusion, hardship and another level of trying to trust and understand the why behind what is happening and why it just can’t be easier.

One of us likes to write and one is of fewer words, one is a worrier and one is less so, one of us likes for the other to know everything possible and one doesn’t share quite as much. So when dealing with states worth of miles between us, sometimes limited communication, how do we stay focused and positive with such differences? Good question…

Somedays, like today, I (the writer, worrier and giver of information) wonder. When we are talking/communicating it seems so effortless and so wonderful to see and visualize the future even with the continuous roadblocks; its easy to see how in sync we are, how comfortable it is, how it can be and should be.

But when communication has to end and loneliness sets in, thats when the doubt enters. Its harder to see the end game, harder to believe in oneself as worthy of the dream, harder to believe that the other would actually choose you for this journey. Satan is good at his game and works overtime to make us disbelieve in the good, to doubt and second guess and he knows our weaknesses and enjoys showing us and reminding us of them, especially when we are faced with choices and trials and challenges that require us to trust and to have faith and to endure. Those things are easy in the face of good times; but in difficult times, trusting and having faith requires work and tears and prayers and non-stop moving forward in that moment.

So tonight is a lonely, confusing, strange night as I try to grasp some news from today that makes sense, but doesn’t at the same time. I understand it with my head logically, but my heart is screaming in pain ‘WHY?”, why does it have to be this way, why does it have to be this difficult, this convoluted….and I do my best to trust, have faith, pray and shed my tears in those prayers that He knows best and knows my heart and our hearts and that what we have been promised will come to pass; but then satan enters in and reminds me that the other half still has their agency to choose this path or a different one and I cry more tears and pray even more earnestly to know my role and what I need to do and how to do it.

I don’t know the answer yet, they don’t always come easily, but when they do, they are true. I will continue to push forward and pray that we will each find our pathway towards the other as we look to the future and the wonders that I know await us together.

PART 2 / evening update:

Now that I have had a little to think some more about the day and what transpired, to take stock. I took time to read some scriptures, listen to some good music, do a whole bunch of praying and just sitting in the stillness and realize that I allowed satan to really work on me today and that happens, I own it, not proud of it, but it happens. I am just grateful that I am able to recognize it relatively quickly, where I once couldn’t. In looking back at the news, I was so ready to hear bad news that that is what I read even though that wasn’t exactly what the news was. I was so ready for the other shoe to drop, to believe that I wasn’t good enough, that I wasn’t what this journey required that it was easy to believe that that’s what the news was going to be. But it wasn’t and as I was re-reading after scripture reading and praying and some stillness in listening, I came to understand that this journey is hard. We are trying to create something unique, beautiful, wonderful and otherworldly and satan and even the world is going to try their best to stop us and I need to remember that.

I know what I want and I know what the other half wants, I truly do and I need to keep that always in the forefront and not forget that this is what we have chosen, this is what we have both been told through prayer and answer is our destiny together to find that divine oneness.

So I am beyond grateful for the other half to be such an example of listening to the spirit, being willing to hear and follow and act upon what was told to them, when I wasn’t strong enough; for the news was for both of us, to better us, to make us stronger, not to hold us back. It will make our reunion sweeter and brighter and there will be fireworks!!

So if you are reading this my other half. Thank you for being an amazing example to me and helping me see you in yet another light of strength and purpose for our future. You are a beautiful example of a human that I absolutely adore.