It’s never 50/50.

Day 4: While technically I still have one more day of this part of the trip, the hardest parts are over, tomorrow is a good day, a day spent hanging out with a different friend who has been a true support for a very long time and I am excited to just have a regular day. Some more shopping, looking for something particular and normal friend time, no drama, no hard things, praying for no more bricks from heaven….

I learned a lot about myself this weekend: I am weak and strong at the same time, I did not even remotely understand what God was trying to teach me until I was in the middle of it but then it all finally made sense; I learned that I am willing and open to learning, I know that I need support and that I cannot do things on my own; I know that I have good friends who support me and an amazing partner who got that this was a hard thing for me and didn’t give up on me; I learned that I am ok walking away and putting things behind me; I learned that sitting in the stillness teaches me and that I can be direct in my prayers and that He hears them. And it confirmed that I have so much to be grateful for.

I am grateful to have had the strength to go through this; grateful to have had safe spaces to land during this hard time; grateful for the support and not having to do this alone; grateful for a Heavenly Father who never left me alone not even for a moment; grateful for the knowledge of a beautiful future; grateful for all the healing tears and the opportunity to find beauty in the ashes and to even have moments of happiness and joy mixed in the weekend and I am grateful for a wonderful friend who sat with me through it all this weekend and protected me during some of the harder moments. I was the absolute most emotional I have ever been in my entire life and was a mess, but understand it was the culmination of years of emotions I had not worked through, coupled with the last few years of trauma all pouring out in a few days; it was overwhelming, exhausting and horrible to find myself pulled so far into the depth of emotion and pain and loss and suffering, but I also know it had to happen for my personal health, growth and future. And I know that I would do it all again to be on this side of it to feel the peace that I do as I have now had a day to rest, contemplate and sit in the stillness of what has transpired. I still have a lot to work on personally as I am truly a work in progress, but my work now focuses on the future and who He wants and needs me to be and who I can be in this partnership with the other half.

But I am most grateful for my other half who, was once again a huge support and did not give up on me, while I was not even remotely a good partner this weekend. I cannot even begin to show my gratitude, but I will try my best every moment for the rest of our days.

Said partner still has their situation to deal with and now they need my support even more fully and completely than I have been able to give up to this point. My capacity to do so has now grown exponentially as I have undergone my trial and have the time and energy to give to them fully, without questions, without whining and without burdening them with my needs.

That’s the beauty of a relationship / partnership, it’s never 50/50, but it always equals 100%. Some days one needs more than they can give and vice versa and we step up to the plate to make sure that we are always at 100%. For the past week, I have truly needed more than I had the capacity to give and they gave and made up for what I was lacking, and I have been so grateful to have received the difference; and now it is time for me to give and to make up for their needs so they can step back and concentrate on their situation and moving through it.

I know that we are almost through this, we are almost at our goal and it has not been easy, it has been hard, but one day soon when we are able to reconnect, to pull each other into open, waiting and willing arms and to feel that physical connection once again, we will know and feel that this has all been worth it and that our future is bright, beautiful and will always be 100%.