I wasn’t a good partner today…

Today the residual anxiety got the best of me and God kept sending bricks from heaven to push me back on track, but they just weren’t quite getting through. Funny how fear sometimes paralyzes us. This trip paralyzed me this past 24 hours and I struggled, struggled in a way that I don’t think I knew was possible.

I’m that person that in a pinch, crisis, hard situation you want by your side. I’m logical, calm, able to push emotions aside until the time is right, able to see the big picture while capturing all the minute details and vice versa, I’m organized, methodical and aware its a gift that I have been given to handle situations like this, I’ve done it more times that I can count, for myself and others…

But today, I was an emotional wreck and while last night I understood why the anxiety attack was happening, the aftermath today, was a shock, and not at all like me. It took me way too long in the middle of it to figure out why….but I did. Eventually with some help.

Ever been in a relationship, friendship, where it just ended, was time to move on, but happens naturally, you just both fade away from each other, longer and longer between calls, someone leaves the job, someone moves away…it happens everyday and we understand that people come into our lives for a season and then leave and we are usually grateful for their place and time in our lives, but we move on, maybe send a Christmas card, maybe think of them when we hear a song or an old project at work is brought up and maybe it makes us smile. Well, I realized that I am walking straight into the lions den this weekend to not just close a relationship, but to physically slam a door on a toxic one that has done more damage than I care to recount and has sidelined my life for way too long. I’ve never walked away like this facing it and physically walking away, intentionally ending it and taking steps that it will never and can never be restarted. A relationship that while not a primary one but secondary was important to me and was important to someone we had in common that has been lost to us. Ever make a death bed promise? I have and that makes this ever so much harder because I am no longer able to honor that promise. I know that God understands my heart and knows this has to happen for me to move forward to be whole and healthy. So the emotions today were hard because again I wasn’t prepared, I am not that person to be mean or hardcore or to shut someone down, but this must be done.

But God wasn’t done with me, he sent additional bricks from heaven to ask me to do something I had tried to do previously but He knew I needed just a little more time. He called me out today in a manner of speaking, I needed to make a decision on this journey with the other half, am I truly 100% all in and as committed as I say I am and if so then I need to do that thing I tried to do previously…and I did, its the right thing, I feel a weight has been lifted in that area, and my fears were just that fear. But fear of what, what someone would think or say, probably, but it doesn’t matter, its my decision and it’s the right one for me and it makes me happy to move forward in this manner.

But we were so not done…..the next hard thing was to talk to the other half and blab like an absolute idiot about those bricks and have them listen to my emotional craziness. Which they did, offered solace and solid counsel that I had not previously thought of and support in spite of the fact that I did not feel deserving….especially as one of those bricks was meant for both of us, but the other half still has their agency and their own things to work through. But they understood and stood in solidarity in a manner of speaking.

So today I was NOT a good partner, I was selfish and all about me and honestly a little needy and I regret that very much….but I do know that those bricks hit where they needed for me and woke me up so to speak. I am seeing clearly now, I am no longer anxious, I do not want to do this hard thing but I will not be alone, God has me in His hands and will guide me, and I will get up and walk out if necessary. And I now understand that once this has been completed, closure will come and I can fully move forward on this journey with complete clarity.

So my dear partner, I beg thy forgiveness again for my crazy person today, when you have your own issues on your end. I am so so grateful you are a strong enough partner to listen to me, to be still, to not judge, to listen to the spirit in order to provide counsel to me that made perfect sense, and most importantly deal with my incessant texting and craziness today. Have I said I’m sorry ? 🙂

As I continued to pray the remainder of the day and this evening before starting to write this, the calm I now feel, the peace all came at a price I wish hadn’t been paid, but I also know that He paid them for me and for us and knows our hearts and our souls and what He has in store for us is glorious beyond what we can even imagine in this moment.

There’s a saying that if it was easy it wouldn’t be worth it; and I am so thankful to know that, you my other half, that you are beyond worth it all.

and Heavenly Father keeps reminding me over and over that, It will all be ok!