Exact timing..HIS

I didn’t sleep at all last night, a few short catnaps if you can call them naps, fraught with anger at myself, pain for hurting CJ and longing to be able to communicate to no avail, believe me I tried. It was a very very long night. I spent the night in prayer and supplication to God and He kept directing me to scriptures, He kept reminding me that I am human, its ok to err and that He has forgiven me, but can I forgive myself, can CJ…I know the answers to all of those questions, but it was a rough soul stretching night. One with a lot of introspection, a lot of hard questions, a lot of wondering, asking, seeking, a lot of bricks from heaven, a lot of answers, a lot of direction and a clear path to follow.

I did hear from CJ, not until close to noon, so it was a nail biting morning, well if I were a nail biter, had it been much longer, I might have turned into one. But I waited with bated breath, trying to be patient and to give him space, trying to listen to the spirit speak to me and to follow the promptings and bricks I received.

CJ was very gracious and forgiving, obviously upset with me and with every reason to be, but forgiveness is a beautiful thing, its not just for the person you are extending it to, but its for yourself as well. CJ made some good points, a few that had been some of the bricks I had received, so as always we are on the same page, God seems to make sure of it.

We are still separated by too many miles and I honestly don’t know when that will change, but one thing we do know is that it will not be on our timeline, it will be on His and we need to be better at following and listening and He will guide, direct and bless us with more than we can imagine, we just yes, both of us, need to be patient and listen.

It just gets hard sometimes, I wish I could tell you the story, that might help, but it’s 1. Not my story to tell; and 2. This is not the forum for what is actually going on, but I can tell you that we are trying, we are doing everything we can and will continue to be human, we will continue to make mistakes but He will continue to help us, and to bless us and we continue to learn from this and other things we go through and the end result will be beautiful beyond our own expectations.

So I am trying to focus on that.

Today was exceptionally hard, I am exhausted from lack of sleep, desperately need to talk to CJ, but again circumstances do not allow it, cannot sleep, I’ve tried and thats when the brain starts turning. So I have delved into good positive music, reading scriptures and more and more praying to keep my mind occupied and pushing Satan away.

Tomorrow things will change. It will be my last week out of work, so I am starting my day with an alarm, yay me, first time in almost 7 months since my first surgery so this will be fun, but figured it would be better to start a week ahead. I am naturally an early riser, but want to ensure that I am up and getting back into the swing of a normal work schedule. I also have a list of last minute things I can start packing and doing, so I will begin that this week so I am hoping that I will find hands keeping busy will keep my mind occupied and thus keeping the boredom and Satan at bay.

CJ also has a surprise box coming his way, it should have been delivered on Friday, but in light of everything, it’s probably best that it will be there tomorrow. I am not one who believes in coincidences, so I know the box is arriving exactly when it needs to be. He knew what was going to happen, He knew that the box would be a distraction, so He made sure that it did not arrive on time. But I think after this weekend, it will make CJ smile and there is nothing I want more than to make him smile, to see him happy and to have him know that I think about him and his needs all the time and would turn the world upside down if I needed to for him.

We have been waiting for so long, even though this current period of coming back together has been relatively short, the separation period was too long and we have been in a rush, but some times we have to wait and there is beauty in the waiting and there are things in this world waiting for and CJ is one worth waiting for, we are worth waiting for. So we wait and figure it out together.

I just pray we can figure out this communication thing out soon, cause it’s the bane of both of our existences. But I think God’s got that too.

No video, no lyrics, no song today, internet went out today so I am using my phones hotspot and things are slow, so no way to upload today. But As CJ reminded me and I was directed by God to read about Moses, we have been promised something as was Moses, however God allowed them to wander and figure things out on their own sometimes and it took them 40 years, we have already lost too many years and don’t want to wander any longer, so we will take the bricks, listen, learn and pray that we are closer to our promised land than Moses was.