Doing hard things brings peace

Day 3: today was a lot harder than I had imagined, I knew what I was walking into and knew what I had to do. What I didn’t expect was to be greeted with a warm hug, a smile and even a touch of gratitude for being there. Felt a little lopsided, off-kilter. How do I process this, what do I make of it. I decide to take it one moment at a time and see how lunch goes. It was a pleasant lunch, we talked, shared stories, caught up on the general status of our lives, or at least what we were willing to share. And then wham out of the blue, I was given some information I didn’t know how to process, they were sharing something very personal, very hard to share, through many tears the story was told and by the end even I was in tears.

This lunch was not going the way it was supposed to, but as we kept talking and moving through, I realized that that was ok, maybe we both needed to purge a little all the things that were on our minds, in our hearts and just leave it all out on the table and to an extent we did. There was much I didn’t share, but what was shared was therapeutic for both parties.

As our lunch came to an end, I realized that what I thought slamming doors looked like was not what God meant. I do need to move forward and I do need to leave this situation behind me, but it came with a moment of shared connection to our story that needed its own finish and I think we did that, I think we both walked through the carnage of the last few years and we made it through and now we are each searching for the truth, the good things to come out of it, the beauty from the ashes.

As we said goodbye, I felt a moment of connection that I had not expected and realized that maybe I wasn’t the only one hurting or the only one who saw that this situation had played out the wrong way, but saying sorry is hard so sharing and finishing our story together today was their way of expressing that. I felt it, I acknowledge it and I am grateful for it.

So as I sit here this evening, earlier than normal, I am utterly and completely drained emotionally, a vast emptiness. I can’t feel right now, I don’t know what to feel, I don’t know how to feel. I do know that a burden has been lifted, I feel lighter, I know it was the right thing to do and I know that the blessings will come, but right now the dust needs to settle and I need to re-set. I need some down time and quiet time to process and take in all that has happened these past few days as there has been so much.

The other half was able to check in and for that once again gratitude does not even cover how it felt to know they were there, supporting me from miles away, holding me up, worried about me and praying for me. I felt it, I knew it and as hard as this has been to do alone and I would have given anything to have been able to have the other one here with me, this was my path to walk and some paths are meant to be walked alone; I was supported and that is what this journey is about. We are here for each other through the hard times and as I have now made it through mine, I can concentrate my prayers on supporting them through their final stage of their hardship.

I miss you! I know you are here for me and I hope you feel my prayers for you. Soon we will find our way back to US and we can continue this journey together in our shared space, holding hands, arms around each other and falling asleep in each other’s arms, as one.