A prayer and a hope
One week from now, I will be sitting in my new apartment, and ill be sleeping in my same bed, but in a new location, hopefully things will go smoothly enough that I’ll have enough put away that I can enjoy a peaceful night, that’s the plan. I’ve organized and planned and prayed that it will work out that way, and have contingency plans but you never know….but the countdown marches on.
Tomorrow will be my last day at church with my friends here, kinda strange. I’ve been lucky and made some good friends, a good group that I needed for my time here, but I know without a doubt that its time to move on, we all have friends/ places for a season and this season is over and time for a fresh new start a new season, a new place, a new time, a new me, a new life. I know it will be just a normal day at church, but it will be strange to walk away one last time. I can clearly remember walking in my first time and thinking to myself, is this my new life and thinking how odd it was to be there in the first place, not wanting to be where I was in that moment, for the reasons I was there. But the people took me in and were kind and loving and helpful and took me under their wings and helped me heal a bit and then as this year has progressed with all my surgery issues they were there when I needed rides and help and I knew that God brought me here for a reason. But it’s time, time to say goodbye, time to go and make new friends and a new life that is just mine and CJ’s. A life that we choose together, not one that is just because of circumstance…
Today I needed to get out of the house, felt the need to run away, not in a bad way, just needed to get out and feel normal for a moment to clear my head with the blue skies and sunshine…and since I did have a few errands to run, took my time and didn’t rush, took the back roads, ran into traffic, a ton of it and bathed in the sunshine, until the downpours came….figures, but it was still good to be outside and just free to roam. I had more stuff to drop off at goodwill, that’ll be the last of it I think on this end, as I unpack, I am sure I will find more I don’t need to have and I was able to find a matching bookshelf for my office so I drove 45 minutes to buy that…I know I know, but hey why not, I could and so I did.
I did get to text with CJ today and it was wonderful, we were back to our happy, smiling fun loving texts. It has been a hard week and I think we both just needed to be US for a few moments. It was nice, carefree, fun and just plain nice and refreshing. As usual, it didn’t last long enough, but CJ, sent me another voice memo and I am trying to not play it on repeat, but it’s beautiful and tender and perfect and helps while sitting here alone. I hate, yes hate, I know that’s a strong word, but I hate being alone and not being able to talk to him, I know this is a test, but there has to be a better way, another option, a way through this where we should be able to communicate more easily. In this day and age it should be easier but for now, sadly it’s not an option and yes I hate it. It’s not fair, is not something I like to throw out, but some nights it just doesn’t seem fair and its lonely and hard and I strive to stay positive, especially when we’ve had a good day and were able to chat, but didn’t get the chance to actually talk and a 12 second memo was great, but its not the same, not the same as having a conversation. I miss connecting with him. I know I am being needy and I am trying not to be, I am not that person but the situation is crazy and I am hoping that next week when I go back to work and move that things will get better and easier, that’s the prayer and the hope.
Well HE must have heard my neediness, lol, CJ just called and what a balm it was to hear his voice and to talk to him even if it was only for a few minutes…its amazing how connecting with someone via text or other electronic ways is lovely and great, but hearing someone’s voice is truly a connection because you can hear them, you can hear how they are feeling and vice versa. And I could talk and listen to CJ all the time.