Is it a detour or something else?

Part 2 / Day 2: Was able to sleep last night the cooler temps have been wonderful and make sleeping easier, but colder also makes one want to snuggle up to someone in the mornings in their bed. And today my bed was lonely…I feel there will be a lot of lonely mornings coming my way.

The day was quiet, peaceful, rainy and a good day to contemplate, hang out and just rest from all the craziness of the past week and at the same time, that also allows for too much thinking or noticing things that maybe I wouldn’t have otherwise. Which is probably why when talking with the other half, I noticed what I did… and it shook me to my core for some strange reason. Guess I had taken for granted what I knew or thought I knew and now, I just don’t know right now. I am in no position for anything to make a difference, I try to be helpful, supportive and yet, something is different. Maybe I am reading more into it than I should but that feeling has not gone away and as I sit here, the tears are unstoppable.

I want nothing more than to believe that this journey is ours and that we will make it a reality, and as I read our texts and talk I believe it even more. But there is something in our way, something I thought was just a detour, but seems to be something bigger and more. Fear maybe? I don’t know how to move around it, I can’t move the detour, I can’t change it, I can only support the other half and I know that this is a hard thing, really hard, but I feel as if I am losing the battle and I knew that could happen, I just really didn’t think that would be their choice, I really didn’t. Am I fooling myself? Am I too invested in the future to see what is really happening? Am I too close to see what is really going on? Or am I just being stupid? I honestly don’t know right now and feel I am not getting the answers I need but at the same time understand that this is very difficult on their end and they have more important things to think about than making me feel better.

So what does one do when faced with a roadblock they have no control over? I don’t want to give up, I don’t want to give in, I want to feel valued and needed and chosen, but things are all just too disjointed and I know that I cannot even ask for that right now, because now is not about me. But I want to ask and I want to push and I want a choice to finally be made so that I will know one way or the other what way my heart needs to go, but at the same time I don’t want the dream to end, because its still my dream and our dream and need to believe in that.

So I keep praying and asking and hoping and praying even more for something to change, a crack in the road, a different detour, a clearer pathway…something to know the answers or how to help the other half through this to the final destination. To me.

I know what we both want, I know it can and should happen and I also know that that doesn’t mean it will. Fear is a game changer, I have been there and I understand how that feels, I know how hard it is to face this hard thing because I did and I made the wrong choice, I knew it at the time and I knew it years later when the destruction in the path of that decision led to an even worse outcome, but that was my path to walk; now the other half needs to choose theirs, two very clear paths; the path to me or the path they are on. They do not cross and the path they are on has many detours and does not have a happy outcome; the path to me and to US is also filled with detours, hard, but manageable and with an outcome of happiness and bliss.

So as I sit here in my tears, I will summon my courage and strength to pray for them and their situation and not mine, I will support them no matter what choice they make because either way they are my friend and that is of great importance to me. But I know in my heart what the choice should be and I believe they do as well, but choices are personal and hard and only time will tell.

So my dear, know I am ok, I will be ok no matter what and I know that you will be ok. However, I know and I know that you know that our path together is the only one to bring either of us any measure of true happiness and bringing our lives full circle and enriching each other fully and completely. So I will use the platform to rid myself of my fears and worries and tears and I will be here, I am not leaving, I am not complaining, and I am not going to ask you to choose until you are ready, but I will continue to push you to see your path, I am going to support you and help you and be here for you and I am going to do my damndest to stay positive, to believe in all the dreams, promises, and discussions we have had for our future together, and I will keep telling you how cherished and “L” you are and will be, how beautiful of a human I know you to be, how all of those fantasies will come true and how everyday will be wondrous as we strengthen our bond and connection and stare into each others eyes and hold each other every night. And how grateful I am to have you in my life, please know that our future is just that, ours and we can have everything and more as long as it is just a detour and not something else.