I like feathers as well

Day 2: overall a really good day, hanging out with a great friend, shopping for my upcoming move, eating crappy fast food, talking, laughing, crying and laughing until we cried, until…

Until it was time to spend the evening as planned with a group of old friends for a meet up that I had suggested, one that we have previously done what seems like a million times, but as I sat in the room where we were meeting with above friend waiting on the other friends…my heart began to race, I felt faint, out of control, my stomach was in knots and I knew something was wrong; they were late, they were never late, but they showed up, it had to be something else but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, until it was too late.

We were attending an event of sorts and as soon as it began, I knew I was not supposed to be there; I knew that these were not my friends, they were not here for me, but for the other person that I am shutting the door on, it was so clear, absolutely crystal clear, how had I not seen it before, how did it escape my notice that while I have known half of this group longer than that person, they didn’t choose my side, my friendship but were there to represent the other side and were just including me. I leaned over to my friend I am staying with and simply stated, this is a bad idea, I can’t be here. And I simply left.

Yes, I left, I walked out, I found a quiet place where I could contemplate this new revelation and insight and immediately as I sat in the quiet, I felt peace that walking out was the best thing I could have done. I didn’t care even for a moment what they thought, why they thought I walked or if they would follow me, because I already knew in the back of my mind they wouldn’t.

As I have been writing about for many days now, God has truly been working on me, teaching me to be a better person, a different person, the person I think I was always supposed to be before I was sidelined, and while that seems backwards that walking away, slamming doors and the like would not be what you would expect from a benevolent God, but isint it? Doesn’t He want us to be happy, to find peace and comfort in those who want to be in our company and vice versa, does He really want us to live in the shadow of another, to be tolerated, to be less than He meant us to be? I believe that He wants us to walk away in the kindest way possible in these situations with the understanding that He will place better people for us in our forward path and that looking back does us no good.

So while I once again thought I knew why I was here on this part of my trip, God keeps showing me more and more ways that I need to completely shatter the illusions that were held here, false friends, imaginary happiness, limited viewpoints and a history that while mine, no longer serves any purpose in my life. I have lived it, I have survived it and I have learned from it and now, well now it is time to take what I have learned and face forward into the future that He has always meant for me to have.

So while I am grateful for the bricks from Heaven that keep teaching me and showing me how much more He has in store for me, they have been painful and I’d really like something soft like a feather next time.

So my beautiful other half, thank you for sticking with me today while I was out and about while you had to work, thank you for your sweet words, your beautiful pictures, all of them today were exactly what I needed to keep me going. I love your beautiful face and how you continue to help me through this hard time. You are my forward, you are my future, you are my all and I have never been more grateful for anything than to know I have you on my side.