Beauty from the Ashes

Today was day one of my trip, started out early but thankfully all went well at the airport and was so blessed to have a beautiful phone call with the other half and that United has free WiFi so we could continue to text. The flight wasn’t overly long and before I knew it landed at my destination where I was immediately greeted by a really good life long friend. Grabbed the luggage, had a quick lunch and off to item number one on the list, to see my favorite hair stylist and friend for a long overdue haircut and then to drop off some gifts for a favorite family of mine….and then the reality of the trip set in. As we talked and discussed the reason I was there and what I needed to do, I was surprised by the reaction I received. My friend said it was about time! We’ve discussed the relationship situation and she knows all the parties involved and had been praying for years that I would finally see through the fog of what was happening and how I was being treated. We talked for hours today and I am seeing through their eyes what they saw me endure, not just from the secondary parties, but also from the primary, they saw me shrink as a person, from a vibrant friend to one who held back, stayed behind and slowly disappeared.

I found myself for the first time since this situation began, really mad, angry, pissed…for so many reasons and at so many people myself included. It finally sunk in what I had lost, endured, gave up, gave into, who I lost and who I became because of this situation…and that realization did not sit well with me, I believe I have always known deep down, but we never want to look deep, we don’t want to see our deep secrets and our hiding places. There is blame on both sides, the way I was treated and that I stayed. And my anger flared because it was all so stupid and didn’t have to be this way, but as quickly as it flared it abated because I don’t like anger, I prefer logic and working through things, so my friend and I continued to talk as I opened up and they shared their insights to what they witnessed and again more prayers.

The anger while short lived was good, it gave me another perspective to work through and to understand and to confirm that I am on the right path, that I need to close this door this weekend, and not just close it but to make sure its slammed, locked, nailed, barred and can never and will never be opened again. And that I can live with and know it is what needs to be.

My other half had a bit of rough start to the day and I am not sure of the outcome as we have not been able to connect this evening, but my prayers are with them as theirs are with me and we both understand that these hard roads need to be walked and one day soon we will find solace in each others arms and the knowledge that walking through the burning ashes does indeed find beauty.

So as we both walk through the hardships to get to the other, I choose to look for the jewels left behind in those battlefields; the opportunities we each had to grow, the times when we chose good instead of bad, the times we helped another, the learning, the growth, the love given and lost, the daily life, the people we have known that make us better….all of these ‘jewels’ are moments that define who we are today right now and I will take those and be grateful because my dear other half, you are exactly the jewel that I need , you are my beauty from the ashes.