My one and only

Today I went to church, it was interesting. I went to a church that I thought I would feel comfortable at and where I would feel maybe at home, I dont know what I was looking for and it wasn’t a bad day, I stayed and it was nice, but something was just off. Of course my first thoughts were I was feeling guilty being in a church after being intimate with CJ this week and many of the people around me would obviously have thought the same thing based on the church I was at. But after sitting and pondering, I knew that wasn’t the issue. I felt like I was a stranger in more ways than just being new, that I was spiritually in a different place maybe is a better way to explain it. I know that going to church is a good thing, but I also know that I don’t need to go to church to talk to, commune with or to find God. He is where ever I need Him and He is where ever I am. But it was just a feeling partially because I was alone and CJ wasn’t with me where I could sit with his arm around me, but also because I didn’t feel like the people there were spiritually uplifting me or desiring to find more and to truly find God in all His glory.

So while I stayed for the meeting and didn’t leave, it was unfulfilling in a manner that I have always come to associate with church. But another day, another time another church possibly to find that feeling and hopefully soon with CJ at my side where I can hold his hand and have his arm wrapped around me as we take in His word and learning.

The remainder of the afternoon was cleaning up and preparing to head out and just relaxing for a bit. And then heading out to the hotel! Was able to text with CJ a bit before I Left and then he called while I was driving and it was great to connect and hear his voice.

And then, then I freaked out, had a minor panic attack and of course I couldn’t get ahold of him and was just not in a good head space for a bit and spent a few hours pacing in the hotel, was good for my steps but I then stressed CJ out which he absolutely doesn’t need….its a vicious cycle that I pray ends soon. I really don’t like feeling like this or acting like this or putting this on CJ, he doesn’t need it or deserve it.

But what I do know is that I do trust CJ, absolutely and completely and I know that this hard time will end soon and while it will not be unicorns and rainbows all the time as there are still some hardships ahead, we will be together to walk through them and then I know we can do and accomplish anything if we are together.

And I know that CJ has my heart and my soul and he is the one whom I wish to make all the memories with, spend every moment with, learn all the things with, study with, grow with, explore with and be adventurous with. He is the one whom I desire, adore, need and want in my life and I pray he knows that I cant do this without him. He is the only one. He is my one and only, always has been.