Life is not a checklist

I sit here on this Friday night, upset, upset that I upset CJ. I honestly didn’t mean to, we had a beautiful day, full of text, videos, pictures and new stories about the Game and conversations again about many things. Our lunch date was again very tender when saying goodbye and the acknowledgement of things that need to be said but can’t be, not yet and how hard it is to hang up. I never do, I always wait for him.

I’m realizing I am apparently my own worst enemy. I think going into this and dealing with my own hardships, they were laid out like a checklist, things I had to do and to accomplish and I could tick them off one by one and as the list slowly started dwindling and now that my surgery has been checked off, I guess in the back of my head, I believed that it would be easy to check off CJ’s hardship; and as that is not happening, I kinda snapped today and made a very rash decision, one with my heart. One that makes sense, but at the same time I should have sat with and through and about before giving voice to, to myself and especially to CJ. I am making his hardship harder and that is the last thing I want to do, but apparently I just couldn’t help myself. And it backfired in a big way and I’m not sure if he will forgive me. And I wouldn’t blame him. I can’t quite get around to forgiving myself right now.

I’m sure we have all been there, where we want something so badly; a marriage, a baby, a new house, a promotion, a raise and we think we are on the right track and doing all the right things and then something comes along to challenge that process and you instead of looking at the big picture and seeing it for what it really is, you dig into the minutia of the one small thing and really dig in and can’t let it go or see clearly. Well thats where I am at and I dug too far, too deep and I hit CJ’s heart. I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me. I am not this person, but I want us to be together so bad I just need it to happen and I need to step back and allow it to happen and that’s hard.

So I sit here tonight mad at myself and I cannot reach CJ, not because he’s mad, but just situational at this moment so I wait and pray and hope that he will forgive me and recognize that I want what’s best for both of us and for him and that I truly am here for us and for him and for the future and that I will wait and will try ever so harder to be more patient….my friends would laugh that I’m not being patient. I am known in my circle of friends as being the ultra patient friend, nothing gets to me, I can be calm in a crisis and can sit for hours waiting in a line if need be, I find ways to distract myself and keep busy; normally anyway, but my life is not normal right now. And I need to recognize that while he has been my distraction for many things and days and times, I may need a distraction from him to help me get back to him, to help me fill the time between now and when; whenever we are to be together.

I’m holding so tight to the dream and to him that I am not allowing him to follow and find his way, so what’s that old adage; if you love something let it go and if its yours it will come back to you? Well I am not quite ready to let you go my handsome, but I will if that’s what I need to do for you.