Key to your….?

Addendum 2: Arrived safely home about 1 am and was of course wide awake, so I unpacked and went through the mail and packages and here I am almost 2am and still wide awake….but I’ve come to some conclusions….yes, again!!!

I am scared. It’s that simple. For the first time in I think my entire life, I want something so badly, something that is truly life changing and could be the absolutely best thing that could ever happen to me, to us; something that I get to co-create, something that I have 100% participation in and input in, something that I am also 100% all in for, something that could bring a level of happiness, joy, connection, and love at a depth that I cannot even fathom at this moment, a relationship based on trust, equality, fun, connection, sensuality, spiritually. Something so beautiful that I never thought could ever happen, and certainly would never happen for me. So yes, I am scared.

I am scared, it won’t happen, I am scared it’s too good to be true, I’m scared the other half with have second thoughts and turn and run, I’m scared that we will screw it up before we even get started or after we are together, I’m scared that I will screw it up and they will wonder what the hell they did. But I am even more scared to not try, to not give this a go, to try to reach our true potential, to have all our dreams and fantasies and everything else come true.

So being scared, like fear is paralyzing and sometimes that is all you can see, you can’t see past it and when you are in it, you only see the bad and its hard to look beyond and see all the beauty, goodness and wonder surrounding it. I have been so focused on one thing and while yes, it is an absolutely HUGE piece of the puzzle and paramount to our success, there are so many tender mercies, so many beautiful moments, so many romantic moments, so many smiles and laughter and happiness, so many just moments to look at and view from a different lens and I need to remind myself that this is not a sprint, even though I’d like it to be, but this is one for the long haul and it will workout.

I do know that some things do need to change, we do need to work on our communication and how to work around some of those roadblocks, there has to be a better way. So we need to talk, communicate, ask for what we need (ok what I need), and work together to figure it all out. And we have proven that we can do all of those things, so we can tackle this and we can manage it and work together on a common goal to make it work.

I was reminded of this as I opened my mail and packages as a gift from the other one arrived several days early….but I don’t believe in coincidences, I believe that things happen when they are supposed to. The other half sent me something that was not supposed to arrive until 3 days from now, but I didn’t need it 3 days from now, I needed it today; not the actual gift, but the thought behind it, the reminder, the sweet note, the connection, the communication to help me see through the correct lens. The box included a sweet note that I will cherish like I did another one from another time; and 2 gifts. A shirt for me to wear that smells like the other half and oh how heavenly that is to move fully visualize them here with me now and yes I will be wearing it, but tonight It will just be on my pillow next to me so I can take in the intoxicating scent of them. A second gift was a key…not exactly a key to their heart, but in a way. A perfect reminder that they have sent me a physical representation of ‘trust’ and that is not a simple gesture, but a pure one, a true one and one sent with the intention of a future together.

So I accept the reminder that I am scared and that’s ok, and if those scared moments come back, I now have something tangible to physically hold and remind me that I am not crazy, I don’t have to be scared, and that is enlightening. Knowing and naming the thing in front of you sometimes is half the battle, I can take on scared, I can not only beat scared, I can win and kick its ass to the curb!