Are we truly committed?

Addendum….its been a long day, traveling gives you too much time to think and think and people watch and more thinking….and I haven’t heard from the other half….and my heart hurts…I understand in general, but at the same time I don’t. I would do everything in my power to reach out and at least touch base, especially knowing how tenuous things can be some days….just makes me doubt everything and then I begin to overthink and worry and then satan begins talking and its just hard and I hate it and its not fair and then the tears come unbidden.

So what do you do, what do I do, I worry, I wonder and I cannot stop it, its a natural thing in this situation and I am trying to stay positive but nothing is working and that makes the thinking go into even more of an overdrive and its a vicious cycle.

So I am sitting in yet another airport waiting for my second flight back to my temporary home base and there is nothing I can do, I am at a loss, I have no control and the only thing I can do is wait, and that’s not fair to me. There has to be a better way, there has to be a compromise. I want to be mad, I want to yell and scream and cry and make demands, but to what end? Nothing is changing and so I am either stuck waiting or giving up, neither are ideal, but how long does one wait, how long does one put their heart on the line? How long can one feel so important one moment and then so unimportant at other times, or at least it feels that way. It’s so hard to know what I know to be true and yet not see any progress and to not understand and feel like while all the right things are being said, maybe, just maybe its not true. I don’t believe that, but Satan is good at what he does and when you don’t see or feel any forward movement and don’t hear from you other half, you just get sucked in and cannot find your way out.

I think I am just totally worn out from this long trip, not sleeping in my bed, knowing I have surgery coming up and struggling with so many changes all at once and that’s hard, its been a very emotional trip and I know how supportive the other half has been, how wonderful they have been and all the right things have been said and many more that were unexpected and wonderful and I am once again being needy, but this situation is hard on both of us and it just plain old sucks big time. But we have to find a better way, it has to change, it has to be different, this cannot be maintained on either end this way.

So what do we do? That’s a great question. Trust? Pray? Believe? Hope? All of those in equal measure and in great quantity and continue to use this as a way to get out all the hard stuff, find ways to figure our way through it and not give up and believe in what is to come.

I want what is to come, I need what is to come and I know how beautiful it can and will be if we only try a little harder, if we truly commit to the hardship it will take to get there, but until we do, it cannot happen…